Guiding Your Toddler's Development: Eating, Sleeping,
Toilet Training, and More
Guiding Your Toddler's Development: Eating, Sleeping, Toilet Training and More
By Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D.
Clinical Professor of Psychiatry,
University of California at San Diego
You knew the terrible twos were coming. You were warned. But now they’re here, along with questions you never thought to ask. Why won’t he go to sleep? Where should she sleep? How long can you be away without causing permanent trauma? Who should care for your tot if you can’t be there? Why is there cereal everywhere in your once clean kitchen but in her mouth? Is it possible to win an argument with the little guy? When does toilet training start? Why on earth is she playing with poop? If you do this wrong, will your child be damaged forever?!
Believe it or not, there are answers, and with a little humor, plenty of understanding, and 50 years’ experience, eminent authority in the field of development, child psychiatrist, and master clinician Cal Colarusso, M.D. will ease your mind, answer your questions and provide step-by-step guides that will not only reassure your frazzled parent mind, but also make your most important job – raising your child – a little easier.
Guiding Your Toddler’s Development: Eating, Sleeping, Toilet Training and More, gives clear explanations of your toddler’s behavior and practical recommendations, including what to say when the going gets tough.
The book includes:
• Developmental concepts
• Examples of how your tyke deals sees the world, and what that means for you as a parent
• Separation anxiety (yours too!)
• Choosing the best caretaker for your toddler
• How to deal with difficult behaviors
• Toilet training guidelines
• And perhaps most importantly, the word every two year old loves: NO!
The way you guide your toddler’s development sets a foundation for the rest of his life. Use the strategies in this book to be an effective parent of a happy child.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D. is a board-certified Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California at San Diego, where he served for two decades as Director of the Child Psychiatry Residency Training Program.
He is also a Training and Supervising Analyst in child and adult psychoanalysis at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Institute and an internationally known lecturer to students, professionals, and the general public on many aspects of normal and pathologic development.
His books have been published in English, Korean, and Spanish. See www.calbooks.info
Amazon Review:
5.0 out of 5 stars The Terrible Twos..., October 3, 2011
By eBook Fan "Love to read! Happy to review!" (Midwest, USA) - See all my reviewsThis review is from: Guiding Your Toddler's Development: Eating, Sleeping, Toilet Training, and More (Kindle Edition)
"From a parent who's recently been through raising a toddler... three is worse than two. At three they're more independant and devioiusly smart... they know how to push mom and dad's buttons!"
"Interesting book. I know first hand how frustrating it can be with a toddler. The no's. The tantrums for seemingly no reason. The frustration to communicate. On the other hand, as nuts as these kids can drive you, they're a lot of fun. My daughter, for example, at the age of two, argued with me that the word "horray" is actually "parade." So now we have a family joke and say "PARADE!" when we're happy about something."
"The book is short and sweet and has facts about what's happening with your child. It's nice to understand that they're going through an enormous amount of change in a very short time. Easy read... saves time for the parent of a toddler who is always on the run!"
See more reviews
By Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D.
Clinical Professor of Psychiatry,
University of California at San Diego
You knew the terrible twos were coming. You were warned. But now they’re here, along with questions you never thought to ask. Why won’t he go to sleep? Where should she sleep? How long can you be away without causing permanent trauma? Who should care for your tot if you can’t be there? Why is there cereal everywhere in your once clean kitchen but in her mouth? Is it possible to win an argument with the little guy? When does toilet training start? Why on earth is she playing with poop? If you do this wrong, will your child be damaged forever?!
Believe it or not, there are answers, and with a little humor, plenty of understanding, and 50 years’ experience, eminent authority in the field of development, child psychiatrist, and master clinician Cal Colarusso, M.D. will ease your mind, answer your questions and provide step-by-step guides that will not only reassure your frazzled parent mind, but also make your most important job – raising your child – a little easier.
Guiding Your Toddler’s Development: Eating, Sleeping, Toilet Training and More, gives clear explanations of your toddler’s behavior and practical recommendations, including what to say when the going gets tough.
The book includes:
• Developmental concepts
• Examples of how your tyke deals sees the world, and what that means for you as a parent
• Separation anxiety (yours too!)
• Choosing the best caretaker for your toddler
• How to deal with difficult behaviors
• Toilet training guidelines
• And perhaps most importantly, the word every two year old loves: NO!
The way you guide your toddler’s development sets a foundation for the rest of his life. Use the strategies in this book to be an effective parent of a happy child.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D. is a board-certified Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California at San Diego, where he served for two decades as Director of the Child Psychiatry Residency Training Program.
He is also a Training and Supervising Analyst in child and adult psychoanalysis at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Institute and an internationally known lecturer to students, professionals, and the general public on many aspects of normal and pathologic development.
His books have been published in English, Korean, and Spanish. See www.calbooks.info
Amazon Review:
5.0 out of 5 stars The Terrible Twos..., October 3, 2011
By eBook Fan "Love to read! Happy to review!" (Midwest, USA) - See all my reviewsThis review is from: Guiding Your Toddler's Development: Eating, Sleeping, Toilet Training, and More (Kindle Edition)
"From a parent who's recently been through raising a toddler... three is worse than two. At three they're more independant and devioiusly smart... they know how to push mom and dad's buttons!"
"Interesting book. I know first hand how frustrating it can be with a toddler. The no's. The tantrums for seemingly no reason. The frustration to communicate. On the other hand, as nuts as these kids can drive you, they're a lot of fun. My daughter, for example, at the age of two, argued with me that the word "horray" is actually "parade." So now we have a family joke and say "PARADE!" when we're happy about something."
"The book is short and sweet and has facts about what's happening with your child. It's nice to understand that they're going through an enormous amount of change in a very short time. Easy read... saves time for the parent of a toddler who is always on the run!"
See more reviews
BOOK EXCERPT
Guiding Your Toddler's Development: Eating, Sleeping, Toilet Training, and More
Copyright © 2011 by Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D.
All rights reserved.
True Nature Productions
ISBN: 978-0-9839802-0-9
Table of Contents
Introduction
Developmental Concepts
Emergence of a Sense of Self
Separation and Individuation
Separation Anxiety
A Stable Sense of Self and Other
How Long Can We Be Away From Our Toddler?
Separations from Older Children
Who Should Care for My Toddler If We Can’t Be There?
Linus’s Blanket
Famous and Infamous Blankets
Development Disturbances of the Toddler: The Terrible Twos
Difficult Behaviors During the Terrible Twos
Destructiveness
Messiness
Motor restlessness
Temper Tantrums
Spanking
Sleep Disturbances
Attitudes Towards Food
Toilet Training
Biological and Environmental Factors
The Steps Involved in Toilet Training
The Mechanics of Toilet Training
Conclusion
Bibliography
About the Author
Books by Dr. Colarusso
Sign Up to Be Notified of New Releases
____
Introduction
“No, No, No!” Two-year-old Larry stamped his feet, shook his head from side to side, and shouted defiantly, “No, No, No!”
He was objecting to his father’s declaration that it was bed time.
“I want to play!” Larry had been playing with a set of bright blue and yellow blocks and burst into laughter each of the 15 times that he knocked down the tower that he and Dad built. “Again! I want to do it again!” Trying to be patient, his father, weary of building the towers after the third time, was hungry and wanted to rest after a long work-day and an exhausting two hours of play with Larry. “We’ll play again tomorrow,” he promised. His head hurt, and he was fairly certain that the sound of one more crash would make eyeballs pop out. They might end up in the rubble.
To Larry, tomorrow meant nothing. It could have meant next year or an eternity, since he barely understood the concept of time.
After attempting to reason with Larry – a fruitless exercise with a two year old – Dad picked up his son and carried him off to bed. Larry had been in his “big boy” bed for about three months. Most nights, Larry climbed out of bed at least three times before finally, struggling all the way, collapsing into at deep sleep.
Dad (when had he become just Dad? He used to be Joe, but now even he couldn’t seem to refer to himself any other way) thought to himself, “This is going to be a tough one.” After half an hour of reading two books, providing drinks of water, and then mounting threats, Larry finally fell asleep. It was only then that Dad ate his dinner, bright yellow boxed macaroni and cheese, which was by that time cold. He didn’t have the energy to take it out of the pot to microwave.
Dealing with a toddler is awesome, frustrating, overwhelming,[L3] and magnificent. Children of this age truly are forces of nature. For all parents, but particularly working parents, raising a toddler can seem like second fulltime job, even when it is compressed into evenings and weekends.
Understanding what makes toddlers “tick,” why they are so wonderful and yet so impossible , makes the job of raising them easier. So does having practical suggestions on how to deal with basic issues such as toilet training, temper tantrums, and endless block tower demolitions.
This book addresses these issues in a straightforward, no- nonsense manner with the intention of increasing the joy and reducing the distress of parenthood.
So come on. Read ahead. You’re up to it!
Developmental Concepts
Let’s begin with some basic concepts about development between the ages of one and three. The years between one and three are a time of explosive physical growth and psychological development. During this relatively brief interval, toddlers develop a strong sense of self and the ability to maintain relationships with others; the capacity to walk and talk; and the ability to utilize and control their body, mind, and environment in sophisticated ways.
The "terrible twos" are real enough, but it’s a phrase coined by adults. For the child, they are a time of wonderment and excitement, as horizons broaden and the world becomes a place for exploration and amusement.
Parents play a crucial role in their toddler’s development, as do other substitute caretakers. However, it is important to recognize that no one is equipped to promote normal development as well as two biological parents who love each other and their offspring. Furthermore, because toddlers cannot develop without the physical and psychological interactions that we associate with the terms “mother” and “father,” all substitute caretakers can only hope to approximate these functions. You parents have an important job – raising the next generation! You probably weren’t thinking, during those few minutes of sensual pleasure, that you were taking on a life-time job. And the pay is lousy!
Emergence of a Sense of Self
Once the toddler begins to walk, at approximately one year of age, the basic nature of his or her relationship with the world changes. During infancy, the interaction between parent and child was organized by tactile and visual contact, particularly in the context of feeding. But when the one year old begins to walk, his or her relationship is increasingly shaped by the toddler's ability to create a physical distance between them[L6] . As he or she begins to venture away, verbal communication becomes a necessary part of their relationships. In fact, experts have hypothesized that in the course of human evolution, walking became a major stimulus to the development of language. This new-found ability to walk, climb, and explore forces mother and father to repeatedly curb the child's initiative out of a concern for his or her safety. Increasingly, they must say "no,” shaking their heads from side to side, and perhaps taking a deep, exasperated breath for good measure.
These prohibitions cause frustration, which the healthy toddler does not readily tolerate. Caught in a conflict between his or her need for physical and emotional closeness and the drive for autonomy and independence, the toddler solves the dilemma by copying the words and gestures of the parents. “No” becomes a favorite word and is repeated endlessly. “No, no, no” is usually accompanied by the determined toddler shaking his head from side to side. Once this imitation of the parental prohibitions is established, the stubbornness of the second and third years – some would prefer the word “independence” – begins in earnest.
During these years, “No” wins the prize for being the smallest, most powerful word in the world, rivaling in intensity and frequency certain four letter words that the toddler has yet to learn (but which you may be thinking all too often)!
Separation and Individuation
As walking exposes the infant to deliberate physical separation from the mother, psychological separation and individuation begin to occur. Indeed, this psychological separation is inevitable and necessary if normal development is to proceed. Only a fair degree of emotional acceptance and empathy on the parents’ part is required. When parental acceptance is present, the toddler is free to explore the world while still feeling securely connected to Mom and Dad.
The toddler’s determination to do it his or her way is a healthy expression of the drive toward autonomy. But the repeated resistance creates emotional as well as physical distance from Mom or Dad and precipitates various forms of more infantile behavior, which we will consider shortly under the heading “The Terrible Twos.” At this time of vulnerable self-esteem, the toddler needs the consistent presence and the support of mother, father, and other caregivers in order to cope with the characteristic fear of this phase, separation anxiety. Because of the struggle between wishes to explore the world and the still strong need for connectedness to Mom and Dad, toddlers consistently return to their parents and attempt to involve them in play, exploration, and the acquisition of newly acquired skills. When parents are available and actively participate with encouragement and enthusiasm, the toddler is emotionally refueled and ready to venture again, alone, into the ever-expanding world. Of course, for the parents, this is easier said than done when you’ve got money, sex, or a football game on your mind! So, even under the best of circumstances, both parent and child experience intervals of ambivalence and frustration as they repeatedly work through the intense feelings of reunion and separation.
The mother of two-year-and-two-month-old Evan began crying soon after she entered my office. “I don’t know what to do with my son. He’s so stubborn,” she said. “He doesn’t listen and he’s so disobedient. I tell him to do something, and he ignores me or says ‘no.’ He was such a calm baby and now he’s this uncontrollable hellion.” Once Mother understood that Evan was attempting to assert himself and explore the world, now that he could walk and express himself through words, even if his favorite one at the moment was “no,” she was able to calm down. As I explained the role of negativism in her son’s development, Mother relaxed. Over the course of a few follow-up sessions, she fully grasped that Evan was not being willfully disobedient, and Mother was able to enjoy his determination to do things his own way. He remained a handful, constantly in motion and needing nearly constant attention. However, “I don’t know what to do with him” changed to “That’s my boy!”
A Stable Sense of Self and Other
By approximately age three, and sometimes before, the toddler has developed a capacity that is at the core of all interactions with others for the remainder of life, namely the mental ability to maintain memories and images of the parents and other important persons for extended periods of time in their absence. So equipped, the young child is capable of providing himself or herself with emotional sustenance and relatedness. Mom and Dad and other important persons are captured and maintained in memory and can be related to and manipulated through fantasy. This capacity sets the stage for more complicated involvement with others in later stages of development. During the preschool years, the ability to maintain these vital mental images is jeopardized by prolonged absences from the primary caretakers. As childhood progresses, this danger diminishes.
In adults, the ability to maintain mental pictures and memories of figures from the past, even after prolonged absences, is almost unlimited. For example, think of a special childhood friend or college roommate whom you have not seen for many years. The mental image of the person can be readily recalled along with associated memories and feelings. Meeting such an individual after an absence of many years (often at high school reunions) demonstrates the tenacity of such images (and is often shocking because of the discrepancy between the mental picture based on the past and his or her current appearance and behavior). Of course, before you criticize, take a look in the mirror. Unfortunately, it works both ways.
By the middle of the second year, toddlers begin to think of themselves as separate beings and have a mental picture of their appearance. By the age of three and often before, a stable core of self identity is firmly established.
How Long Can We Be Away From Our Toddler?
Trying to explain to a toddler that you are planning to be away for a few hours, for a week, or longer will have little effect on the toddler’s ability to tolerate the separation. The toddler’s sense of time is very, very limited. Intervals of time are conceptualized more in terms of the frustration or gratification of immediate needs such as hunger. The best way to prepare your toddler for separations is to limit absences to the length of time that the toddler can tolerate them without undue anxiety. See the guidelines below, and be sure that the adults who will be caring for the child in your absence are trustworthy and known by the toddler.
But parents have needs, too, including breaks from the vigorous demands of raising a toddler. Unfortunately, the parents' needs to work and play are not always in sync with the toddler's need for continuity. Consequently, the answers that I provide to parental questions about separations are not always the ones they would like to hear. The following intervals are general guidelines written from the point of view of the optimal promotion of normal development in the toddler. A pattern of prolonged absences is more likely to be detrimental than a single or occasional one.
During the first three years of life, parental absences should be limited to one or two days. If one parent must be away for a longer period, the other parent should make every effort to be present. I know, you thought I’d say it’s okay to be away for a longer period than that. Sorry, I wish I could. But we both want the same thing – what’s best for your toddler.
Despite the toddler’s limited ability to understand time, what is about to happen should be communicated through language. For instance, “Danny, Mommy is going to the store. I’ll be home in a few hours. Lucy (baby sitter) will be here with you.”
For an overnight absence by both parents the comment might be, “Danny, Mom and I are going to sleep at a hotel tonight. We’ll call you on the telephone when we get there. You’re going to stay here with Granny.”
Separations from older children: Although not the subject of this book, parents of older children may find the following guidelines helpful. The length of the allowed absence increases as the child ages because of the increased capacity of the child to feel secure on his or her own. Even though adolescents act like they couldn’t care if you were dead or alive, they still need you, too!
Between the ages of three and six, this interval can be comfortably extended up to several days, depending upon the tolerance of the individual child.
Most elementary school aged children can manage absences of one week or more without undue anxiety or regression.
Separations at any age are more manageable for children if they are cared for by adults whom they know very well.
Normal early adolescents have a well-developed sense of self and other and are not vulnerable to parental absences in the sense described for younger children. However, they are in continuous need of the structure, judgment, and limit setting, which their parents provide. Consequently, mature caretakers should be provided in the event of parental absence.
Sometimes it’s not just the toddler who struggles with separations. Joe and Linda needed a break. They had not been away since Susan was born 18 months ago. They loved their child enormously. But they fell into bed exhausted every night after having worked all day and spending every evening trying to keep up with Susan’s boundless energy. If they didn’t set a bedtime, she would stay up until she became physically exhausted, collapsing on the floor. Grandmother was all too happy to care for Susan for a few days and encouraged the couple to spend time without Susan. They decided to drive up the coast and immensely enjoyed their first day away. However, by day two, they began to sorely miss Susan despite the fact that several phone calls to Grandma indicated that Susan was just fine. As day two progressed, each passing hour became less enjoyable. By the next morning, after sheepishly acknowledging that they desperately missed Susan, Joe and Linda got in the car and drove home without stopping, arriving in time for Susan’s bedtime. Grandma just shook her head and smiled knowingly.
Tom and Betty decided to take a three week vacation to Europe, leaving 30-month-old Jason with Betty’s parents. They kept in touch by phone and Skype sessions. Though they missed Jason, they greatly enjoyed the alone time with one another. However, upon their return, they were surprised when Jason ignored them and clung to his grandmother. For a few hours, Jason seemed uncertain of who his parents were. Once he did recognize them, he became clingy and cranky for several days before returning to “his old self[L11] .”
Who Should Care for My Toddler If We Can’t Be There?
(END OF EXCERPT)ORDER COMPLETE BOOK:
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Guiding Your Toddler's Development: Eating, Sleeping, Toilet Training, and More
Copyright © 2011 by Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D.
All rights reserved.
True Nature Productions
ISBN: 978-0-9839802-0-9
Table of Contents
Introduction
Developmental Concepts
Emergence of a Sense of Self
Separation and Individuation
Separation Anxiety
A Stable Sense of Self and Other
How Long Can We Be Away From Our Toddler?
Separations from Older Children
Who Should Care for My Toddler If We Can’t Be There?
Linus’s Blanket
Famous and Infamous Blankets
Development Disturbances of the Toddler: The Terrible Twos
Difficult Behaviors During the Terrible Twos
Destructiveness
Messiness
Motor restlessness
Temper Tantrums
Spanking
Sleep Disturbances
Attitudes Towards Food
Toilet Training
Biological and Environmental Factors
The Steps Involved in Toilet Training
The Mechanics of Toilet Training
Conclusion
Bibliography
About the Author
Books by Dr. Colarusso
Sign Up to Be Notified of New Releases
____
Introduction
“No, No, No!” Two-year-old Larry stamped his feet, shook his head from side to side, and shouted defiantly, “No, No, No!”
He was objecting to his father’s declaration that it was bed time.
“I want to play!” Larry had been playing with a set of bright blue and yellow blocks and burst into laughter each of the 15 times that he knocked down the tower that he and Dad built. “Again! I want to do it again!” Trying to be patient, his father, weary of building the towers after the third time, was hungry and wanted to rest after a long work-day and an exhausting two hours of play with Larry. “We’ll play again tomorrow,” he promised. His head hurt, and he was fairly certain that the sound of one more crash would make eyeballs pop out. They might end up in the rubble.
To Larry, tomorrow meant nothing. It could have meant next year or an eternity, since he barely understood the concept of time.
After attempting to reason with Larry – a fruitless exercise with a two year old – Dad picked up his son and carried him off to bed. Larry had been in his “big boy” bed for about three months. Most nights, Larry climbed out of bed at least three times before finally, struggling all the way, collapsing into at deep sleep.
Dad (when had he become just Dad? He used to be Joe, but now even he couldn’t seem to refer to himself any other way) thought to himself, “This is going to be a tough one.” After half an hour of reading two books, providing drinks of water, and then mounting threats, Larry finally fell asleep. It was only then that Dad ate his dinner, bright yellow boxed macaroni and cheese, which was by that time cold. He didn’t have the energy to take it out of the pot to microwave.
Dealing with a toddler is awesome, frustrating, overwhelming,[L3] and magnificent. Children of this age truly are forces of nature. For all parents, but particularly working parents, raising a toddler can seem like second fulltime job, even when it is compressed into evenings and weekends.
Understanding what makes toddlers “tick,” why they are so wonderful and yet so impossible , makes the job of raising them easier. So does having practical suggestions on how to deal with basic issues such as toilet training, temper tantrums, and endless block tower demolitions.
This book addresses these issues in a straightforward, no- nonsense manner with the intention of increasing the joy and reducing the distress of parenthood.
So come on. Read ahead. You’re up to it!
Developmental Concepts
Let’s begin with some basic concepts about development between the ages of one and three. The years between one and three are a time of explosive physical growth and psychological development. During this relatively brief interval, toddlers develop a strong sense of self and the ability to maintain relationships with others; the capacity to walk and talk; and the ability to utilize and control their body, mind, and environment in sophisticated ways.
The "terrible twos" are real enough, but it’s a phrase coined by adults. For the child, they are a time of wonderment and excitement, as horizons broaden and the world becomes a place for exploration and amusement.
Parents play a crucial role in their toddler’s development, as do other substitute caretakers. However, it is important to recognize that no one is equipped to promote normal development as well as two biological parents who love each other and their offspring. Furthermore, because toddlers cannot develop without the physical and psychological interactions that we associate with the terms “mother” and “father,” all substitute caretakers can only hope to approximate these functions. You parents have an important job – raising the next generation! You probably weren’t thinking, during those few minutes of sensual pleasure, that you were taking on a life-time job. And the pay is lousy!
Emergence of a Sense of Self
Once the toddler begins to walk, at approximately one year of age, the basic nature of his or her relationship with the world changes. During infancy, the interaction between parent and child was organized by tactile and visual contact, particularly in the context of feeding. But when the one year old begins to walk, his or her relationship is increasingly shaped by the toddler's ability to create a physical distance between them[L6] . As he or she begins to venture away, verbal communication becomes a necessary part of their relationships. In fact, experts have hypothesized that in the course of human evolution, walking became a major stimulus to the development of language. This new-found ability to walk, climb, and explore forces mother and father to repeatedly curb the child's initiative out of a concern for his or her safety. Increasingly, they must say "no,” shaking their heads from side to side, and perhaps taking a deep, exasperated breath for good measure.
These prohibitions cause frustration, which the healthy toddler does not readily tolerate. Caught in a conflict between his or her need for physical and emotional closeness and the drive for autonomy and independence, the toddler solves the dilemma by copying the words and gestures of the parents. “No” becomes a favorite word and is repeated endlessly. “No, no, no” is usually accompanied by the determined toddler shaking his head from side to side. Once this imitation of the parental prohibitions is established, the stubbornness of the second and third years – some would prefer the word “independence” – begins in earnest.
During these years, “No” wins the prize for being the smallest, most powerful word in the world, rivaling in intensity and frequency certain four letter words that the toddler has yet to learn (but which you may be thinking all too often)!
Separation and Individuation
As walking exposes the infant to deliberate physical separation from the mother, psychological separation and individuation begin to occur. Indeed, this psychological separation is inevitable and necessary if normal development is to proceed. Only a fair degree of emotional acceptance and empathy on the parents’ part is required. When parental acceptance is present, the toddler is free to explore the world while still feeling securely connected to Mom and Dad.
The toddler’s determination to do it his or her way is a healthy expression of the drive toward autonomy. But the repeated resistance creates emotional as well as physical distance from Mom or Dad and precipitates various forms of more infantile behavior, which we will consider shortly under the heading “The Terrible Twos.” At this time of vulnerable self-esteem, the toddler needs the consistent presence and the support of mother, father, and other caregivers in order to cope with the characteristic fear of this phase, separation anxiety. Because of the struggle between wishes to explore the world and the still strong need for connectedness to Mom and Dad, toddlers consistently return to their parents and attempt to involve them in play, exploration, and the acquisition of newly acquired skills. When parents are available and actively participate with encouragement and enthusiasm, the toddler is emotionally refueled and ready to venture again, alone, into the ever-expanding world. Of course, for the parents, this is easier said than done when you’ve got money, sex, or a football game on your mind! So, even under the best of circumstances, both parent and child experience intervals of ambivalence and frustration as they repeatedly work through the intense feelings of reunion and separation.
The mother of two-year-and-two-month-old Evan began crying soon after she entered my office. “I don’t know what to do with my son. He’s so stubborn,” she said. “He doesn’t listen and he’s so disobedient. I tell him to do something, and he ignores me or says ‘no.’ He was such a calm baby and now he’s this uncontrollable hellion.” Once Mother understood that Evan was attempting to assert himself and explore the world, now that he could walk and express himself through words, even if his favorite one at the moment was “no,” she was able to calm down. As I explained the role of negativism in her son’s development, Mother relaxed. Over the course of a few follow-up sessions, she fully grasped that Evan was not being willfully disobedient, and Mother was able to enjoy his determination to do things his own way. He remained a handful, constantly in motion and needing nearly constant attention. However, “I don’t know what to do with him” changed to “That’s my boy!”
A Stable Sense of Self and Other
By approximately age three, and sometimes before, the toddler has developed a capacity that is at the core of all interactions with others for the remainder of life, namely the mental ability to maintain memories and images of the parents and other important persons for extended periods of time in their absence. So equipped, the young child is capable of providing himself or herself with emotional sustenance and relatedness. Mom and Dad and other important persons are captured and maintained in memory and can be related to and manipulated through fantasy. This capacity sets the stage for more complicated involvement with others in later stages of development. During the preschool years, the ability to maintain these vital mental images is jeopardized by prolonged absences from the primary caretakers. As childhood progresses, this danger diminishes.
In adults, the ability to maintain mental pictures and memories of figures from the past, even after prolonged absences, is almost unlimited. For example, think of a special childhood friend or college roommate whom you have not seen for many years. The mental image of the person can be readily recalled along with associated memories and feelings. Meeting such an individual after an absence of many years (often at high school reunions) demonstrates the tenacity of such images (and is often shocking because of the discrepancy between the mental picture based on the past and his or her current appearance and behavior). Of course, before you criticize, take a look in the mirror. Unfortunately, it works both ways.
By the middle of the second year, toddlers begin to think of themselves as separate beings and have a mental picture of their appearance. By the age of three and often before, a stable core of self identity is firmly established.
How Long Can We Be Away From Our Toddler?
Trying to explain to a toddler that you are planning to be away for a few hours, for a week, or longer will have little effect on the toddler’s ability to tolerate the separation. The toddler’s sense of time is very, very limited. Intervals of time are conceptualized more in terms of the frustration or gratification of immediate needs such as hunger. The best way to prepare your toddler for separations is to limit absences to the length of time that the toddler can tolerate them without undue anxiety. See the guidelines below, and be sure that the adults who will be caring for the child in your absence are trustworthy and known by the toddler.
But parents have needs, too, including breaks from the vigorous demands of raising a toddler. Unfortunately, the parents' needs to work and play are not always in sync with the toddler's need for continuity. Consequently, the answers that I provide to parental questions about separations are not always the ones they would like to hear. The following intervals are general guidelines written from the point of view of the optimal promotion of normal development in the toddler. A pattern of prolonged absences is more likely to be detrimental than a single or occasional one.
During the first three years of life, parental absences should be limited to one or two days. If one parent must be away for a longer period, the other parent should make every effort to be present. I know, you thought I’d say it’s okay to be away for a longer period than that. Sorry, I wish I could. But we both want the same thing – what’s best for your toddler.
Despite the toddler’s limited ability to understand time, what is about to happen should be communicated through language. For instance, “Danny, Mommy is going to the store. I’ll be home in a few hours. Lucy (baby sitter) will be here with you.”
For an overnight absence by both parents the comment might be, “Danny, Mom and I are going to sleep at a hotel tonight. We’ll call you on the telephone when we get there. You’re going to stay here with Granny.”
Separations from older children: Although not the subject of this book, parents of older children may find the following guidelines helpful. The length of the allowed absence increases as the child ages because of the increased capacity of the child to feel secure on his or her own. Even though adolescents act like they couldn’t care if you were dead or alive, they still need you, too!
Between the ages of three and six, this interval can be comfortably extended up to several days, depending upon the tolerance of the individual child.
Most elementary school aged children can manage absences of one week or more without undue anxiety or regression.
Separations at any age are more manageable for children if they are cared for by adults whom they know very well.
Normal early adolescents have a well-developed sense of self and other and are not vulnerable to parental absences in the sense described for younger children. However, they are in continuous need of the structure, judgment, and limit setting, which their parents provide. Consequently, mature caretakers should be provided in the event of parental absence.
Sometimes it’s not just the toddler who struggles with separations. Joe and Linda needed a break. They had not been away since Susan was born 18 months ago. They loved their child enormously. But they fell into bed exhausted every night after having worked all day and spending every evening trying to keep up with Susan’s boundless energy. If they didn’t set a bedtime, she would stay up until she became physically exhausted, collapsing on the floor. Grandmother was all too happy to care for Susan for a few days and encouraged the couple to spend time without Susan. They decided to drive up the coast and immensely enjoyed their first day away. However, by day two, they began to sorely miss Susan despite the fact that several phone calls to Grandma indicated that Susan was just fine. As day two progressed, each passing hour became less enjoyable. By the next morning, after sheepishly acknowledging that they desperately missed Susan, Joe and Linda got in the car and drove home without stopping, arriving in time for Susan’s bedtime. Grandma just shook her head and smiled knowingly.
Tom and Betty decided to take a three week vacation to Europe, leaving 30-month-old Jason with Betty’s parents. They kept in touch by phone and Skype sessions. Though they missed Jason, they greatly enjoyed the alone time with one another. However, upon their return, they were surprised when Jason ignored them and clung to his grandmother. For a few hours, Jason seemed uncertain of who his parents were. Once he did recognize them, he became clingy and cranky for several days before returning to “his old self[L11] .”
Who Should Care for My Toddler If We Can’t Be There?
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