Sex After Forty: The Best You Ever Had!
Sex After Forty: The Best You Ever Had!
By Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D.
Clinical Professor of Psychiatry,
University of California at San Diego
The title says it all – that, and your reaction of clicking through to find out the punch line of what most people think must be a joke. The best sex you ever had? After forty? Even living in the Viagra age, it’s quite a claim.
It’s a claim that Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D, master clinician, backs up in his latest book, while explaining the biology and psychology of the middle years. Believe the myth that sexual function always decreases after you hit the big four-zero? Not true! This text guides you through the joys of intimacy you couldn’t begin to understand in your teens, the benefits of sex within a long-term committed relationship, and healthy adaptations as our bodies change and the years pass.
Sex After Forty: The Best You Ever Had delves into the true character of middle years sexuality, and will provide you with the information you need to experience exactly what the title promises.
The book includes the following topics:
• Developmental considerations as they relate to sexual and emotional intimacy
• The health benefits of a happy, sexual marriage
• Dealing with distractions
• Accepting changes while spicing it up!
• The fallacy of expected impotence
About the Author: Calvin Colarusso, M.D.
Dr. Colarusso is a board-certified Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California at San Diego, where he served for two decades as Director of the Child Psychiatry Residency Training Program.
He is also a Training and Supervising Analyst in child and adult psychoanalysis at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Institute and an internationally known lecturer to students, professionals, and the general public on many aspects of normal and pathologic development.
His six books have been published in English, Korean, and Spanish. See http://amzn.to/calcolarusso.
By Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D.
Clinical Professor of Psychiatry,
University of California at San Diego
The title says it all – that, and your reaction of clicking through to find out the punch line of what most people think must be a joke. The best sex you ever had? After forty? Even living in the Viagra age, it’s quite a claim.
It’s a claim that Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D, master clinician, backs up in his latest book, while explaining the biology and psychology of the middle years. Believe the myth that sexual function always decreases after you hit the big four-zero? Not true! This text guides you through the joys of intimacy you couldn’t begin to understand in your teens, the benefits of sex within a long-term committed relationship, and healthy adaptations as our bodies change and the years pass.
Sex After Forty: The Best You Ever Had delves into the true character of middle years sexuality, and will provide you with the information you need to experience exactly what the title promises.
The book includes the following topics:
• Developmental considerations as they relate to sexual and emotional intimacy
• The health benefits of a happy, sexual marriage
• Dealing with distractions
• Accepting changes while spicing it up!
• The fallacy of expected impotence
About the Author: Calvin Colarusso, M.D.
Dr. Colarusso is a board-certified Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California at San Diego, where he served for two decades as Director of the Child Psychiatry Residency Training Program.
He is also a Training and Supervising Analyst in child and adult psychoanalysis at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Institute and an internationally known lecturer to students, professionals, and the general public on many aspects of normal and pathologic development.
His six books have been published in English, Korean, and Spanish. See http://amzn.to/calcolarusso.
Amazon Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars Helped save my marriage!, October 3, 2011
By Doug (Brooklyn, NY) -This review is from: Sex After Forty: The Best You Ever Had! (Kindle Edition)
"This book is simply amazing. As a couple in our late 40's we've been through a LOT (highs and lows). As of lately it seemed we had hit a wall. We were constantly arguing and overly stressed from life happenings (work, bills, etc.) It had all greatly impacted our intimacy. I bought this book originally because the name stood out and I figured I've really got nothing to lose here. It was incredible from the very beginning. It pin-pointed many concerns I'd been having and gave incredible advice. The content was really easy to follow along with and absorb."
"Since reading this book and having a much better understanding on things, my wife and I have rejuvenated our sex life and couldn't be happier. Our moods are lifted and we're closer than we've been in many years. It's almost like a second honeymoon! This time however, thanks to this book, I feel I have the tools and knowledge to keep it going! The section: Accepting changes while spicing it up! was a personal favorite and helped me develop a confidence I didn't know I had. It's really made things feel fresh and new all over again. It's almost like we're back in our 20's!"
"My hat is off to this author for composing a book targeting middle age and up. It's very well-written and I think anyone having issues in the bedroom or lack of intimacy will really appreciate the read. Highly recommended!"
See more reviews
By Doug (Brooklyn, NY) -This review is from: Sex After Forty: The Best You Ever Had! (Kindle Edition)
"This book is simply amazing. As a couple in our late 40's we've been through a LOT (highs and lows). As of lately it seemed we had hit a wall. We were constantly arguing and overly stressed from life happenings (work, bills, etc.) It had all greatly impacted our intimacy. I bought this book originally because the name stood out and I figured I've really got nothing to lose here. It was incredible from the very beginning. It pin-pointed many concerns I'd been having and gave incredible advice. The content was really easy to follow along with and absorb."
"Since reading this book and having a much better understanding on things, my wife and I have rejuvenated our sex life and couldn't be happier. Our moods are lifted and we're closer than we've been in many years. It's almost like a second honeymoon! This time however, thanks to this book, I feel I have the tools and knowledge to keep it going! The section: Accepting changes while spicing it up! was a personal favorite and helped me develop a confidence I didn't know I had. It's really made things feel fresh and new all over again. It's almost like we're back in our 20's!"
"My hat is off to this author for composing a book targeting middle age and up. It's very well-written and I think anyone having issues in the bedroom or lack of intimacy will really appreciate the read. Highly recommended!"
See more reviews
BOOK EXCERPT
Sex After Forty: The Best You Ever Had!
Copyright © 2011 by Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D.
All rights reserved.
True Nature Productions
ISBN: 978-0-9839802-1-6
Table of Contents
Introduction
Developmental Considerations
Crossing the Rubicon: Maintaining Intimacy in Midlife
Sex and Aging: Good News!
Age and Gender Related Variables
The Human Sexual Response Cycle: Desire, Excitement, and Orgasm
Desire
Excitement
Coping with the “Big I”
Orgasm
Problematic Adaptations
Healthy Adaptations
This Is As Good As It Gets
If You Would Like to Know More
About the Author
Introduction
I know what you’re thinking. Sex after forty, the best you ever had—either this guy is on something or he doesn’t know much about sex. Humor me, will you. Read on. You can always stick to your initial opinion, but the information in this book might change your mind.
Many misinformed skeptics believe that the quest for sexual intimacy after 40 is an exercise in futility. One guy in his mid-forties lamented, “My body has changed so much since I was twenty. And it’s going downhill every day. What do I have to look forward to?” Obviously, I think the answer to that question can be “Plenty! The best sex you ever had—if the biology and psychology of the middle years are understood.”
And I even thought this before Viagra was available.
My definition of intimacy isn’t grandiose either. I define intimacy as the ability to care for the partner at least as much as the self, some of the time. No impossible or unrealistic expectation there. Does that sound like you? How do you like having equal billing with your partner? Of course, sex definitely occurs without intimacy, and intimacy can occur without sex.
In this book, my focus is on developing the ability to fuse the two frequently, in the face of what may appear to be daunting midlife obstacles.
Developmental Considerations
We’re not born with the capacity for sexual intimacy. It emerges out of adolescent and young adult sexual experience. Although adolescents sometimes care about their partners, gals do more than guys. (Sorry, guys. But we are different and not always in a good way.)
Most adolescents have a pressing need to gain sexual experience, to learn how to use their body as a sexual instrument with others. One sixteen year old girl was determined to begin experimenting sexually. She set her sights on a handsome high school senior. Unrestrained by badly needed parental prohibitions, she succeeded in getting his attention, but was surprised and disappointed when she discovered that he was a virgin too and more anxious than she was. Not much to learn there. But she did go on to find a number of guys to educate her.
Eventually, after a few rather pathetic performances, which not everyone will admit to, the initial stage of bumbling through is over. But, even then, driven by the relentless demon of youthful biology, conquests, rather than caring sex, continue to be a prime directive well into the twenties. As one twenty-two year old put it, “My dick’s got a life of its own. It takes no prisoners. Line ‘em up! Knock ‘em down! Then on to the next!”
Now, while you’re taking stock of your own experiences and trying to prove to yourself, and me, that I’m wrong, why not be complete honest? I’m talking to you women, too. Come on. Confess that the desire for self-centered, your-partner-is-a-piece-of-meat kind of sex never completely goes away.
I do realize that the capacity for genuine intimacy is apparent in some high-functioning individuals in the late teens and early twenties, but it doesn’t become a sustainable capacity until well into the twenties or later. As casual sex becomes nothing new and increasingly emotionally empty, the need for emotional involvement with a partner that you love or at least care about grows and begins to become a priority.
“If I let myself go to bed with one more man who doesn’t really care about me, I’ll scream,” said twenty-four-year-old Rhonda. “I feel so alone inside. I want someone to love me.”
Slowly, but surely, the emptiness of one more “my place or yours” and the desire for a solid, sustaining relationship grows and pushes men and women toward commitment.
Now don’t get upset, I’m going to show you that commitment is good for you.
As a result of a rare, fifty-plus-year longitudinal study of male development, Harvard psychiatrist George Vaillant concluded that “There is probably no single longitudinal variable that predicted mental health as clearly as a man’s capacity to remain happily married over time.”
I can hear the moans out there.
Another famous psychiatrist, Erik Erikson, read the palms of those who did not develop a capacity for intimacy in their twenties and thirties and saw a midlife reeking with the smell of the curdled cream of self-absorption and isolation.
Marriage, that often reviled and frivolously regarded institution, is the best decision to promote development that most young adults can make. Within its supercharged confines, slowly but surely, like the day-long simmering of a homemade pasta sauce, the rawness of youth is transformed into the savory smoothness of adulthood. Profound mental and emotional changes occur. As the partners dare to share and experience together their innermost sexual desires, their fantasies expand to incorporate the sensuousness of the other.
Thirty-year-old Jane had only experienced sex in the missionary position before she married Brad. He was less inhibited than she was and introduced masturbation on the freeway. (Not the safest thing to do, but it does happen!) and quickies on the living room floor. As she became more comfortable with her own fantasies and gradually shed her inhibitions, Jane began to take the lead. No Plain Jane anymore, she surprised Brad with a suggestive call from a motel room known for its vibrating beds and x-rated films.
As the years go by, each partner is increasingly identified with the other. Together, they look back on the wake of an ever-lengthening shared past and they work for and anticipate an enmeshed future. As they playfully possess each other’s bodies and produce children, the deeply ingrained infantile ignorance about the opposite sex is slowly replaced by the awesome adult acceptance of the equal and complementary nature of ying and yang, of the male and female genitalia.
Crossing the Rubicon: Maintaining Intimacy in Midlife
As forty approaches, a new set of developmental challenges, full of potential and promise, as well as apprehension and anxiety, begin to dominate relationships between the sexes.
Whereas young adults are preoccupied with developing the capacity for sustained intimacy, individuals on the fringe of forty are struggling with the ability to maintain intimacy in the face of powerful physical, psychological and environmental distractions. These include changes in the body due to aging and psychological unavailability because of preoccupation with the realistic demands of work, children and elderly parents.
“You ought to lose some weight” he said.
“I will if you will,” she said.
“It takes you so long to get turned on,” he said.
“I wouldn’t talk if I were you, Mr. Viagra,” she said.
“Let’s go away for a weekend. We never have any time to ourselves,” she said.
“I’ve got to work,” he said.
“You’re always working,” she said.
“Janet goes to college next year,” he said.
“Come to bed now. We’ve got some time now,” he said.
“I have to call my mother,” she said.
“You always call your mother,” he said.
“She’s old and alone,” she said.
In newer relationships, issues unique to second beginnings that interfere with closeness abound. They include the absence of a history together, the absence of old friends in common, age and generational differences between the partners and the problems of constituting a blended family.
“Your friends don’t like me,” she said.
“How could they, you hardly talk to them,” he said.
“I want a baby,” she said.
“I’ve already done that,” he said. “Besides you brought two of them with you.”
“But not with me,” she said.
“Your son is knocking at the door again,” he said. “He seems to know when we’re having sex and he doesn’t like it.”
I know what you’re thinking. I said that these were the best years of your life, didn’t I? And you’re moaning to yourself, “If this is a description of how great things are as I get older, the hell with it! Just give me some casual sex, and I’ll pass on the rest.”
Well, read on. The key to maintaining sexual and emotional intimacy in midlife is knowledge of the normal changes in sexual functioning after forty, the ability to communicate needs and desires and a sense of humor. After all, it’s only sex!
Sex and Aging: Good News!
“The loss of sexuality is not an inevitable aspect of aging,” says researcher Helen Singer Kaplan. In fact, the majority of healthy people remain sexually active on a regular basis until advanced old age. (Yes, even your mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa). But the subject must be approached a bit differently than at twenty, because the aging process does bring with it certain changes in the appearance of the body and the physiology of male and female sexual responsiveness.
Here’s more good news. We age from the outside in. In utero the outer, or ectodermal, layer of the embryo develops into skin, the sensory organs and nervous system. Since these organs are the first to age, plastic surgeons have a field day in our forties as women, and some men, rush to smooth out facial wrinkles, tuck tummies and shore up sagging bottoms.
In our fifties, it’s muscles, bones and connective tissue, products of the middle or mesodermal layer, which begin to give out, resulting in sore backs and heart attacks. But still cooking with gas, even if the packaging is a bit frayed, are the inner or endodermal functions of eating and sex, life’s two greatest pleasures.
In regard to sexual functioning, researchers across the decades from Kinsey to Masters and Johnson have arrived at the same happy conclusion: in the presence of good health, the majority of people remain sexually functional and active on a regular basis until virtually the end of life. Or, to be more specific, when they have partners, 70 percent of healthy seventy-year-olds remain sexually active and have sex at least once a week. If they don’t have partners, they always have themselves. Masturbation is a life long sexual activity. Even for those in their eighties and nineties.
Age and Gender Related Variables
“Vive la difference!” say the French. A good idea if the differences in sexual functioning bring pleasure, not pain. In actuality, I’m not sure the French care about the difference. However, the best way to insure that “la difference” continues to add spice to sex in midlife is to understand the changes in sexual functioning that normally occur with age and accept them in one’s self and one’s partner. And yes, again, I’m talking about both sexes. This developmental task is easier said than done because it involves accepting the partial loss of functions that are enormously important to self-esteem in adolescence and young adulthood.
Fulfillment in midlife, particularly sexual fulfillment, begins with accepting a constantly changing reality and ends with actions that are consistent with that reality. There are certain inevitable age-related changes in sexual physiology that affect men and women differently. According to Kaplan, male sexuality peaks sharply at around seventeen. Yes, that’s correct. Age seventeen. Come to think of it, seventeen is a long time ago when you’re fifty. But don’t despair. It could be worse. And I didn’t say that it was all good news.
After age seventeen, male sexuality gradually declines. The good news is that the decline is very gradual, with sexual function continuing into the eighties and nineties, and even beyond!
And here’s more good news. Women don’t reach their full sexual potential until their late thirties or early forties. Then they slow down to a lesser degree than men.
If that’s the case, why is it that most of my male patients and friends constantly grumble that they don’t get enough? Maybe they say that because they have trouble keeping up with their just-peaking wives and girl friends.
As disquieting as this information may be to the male ego, all is not lost. The best sex you will ever have is mature, midlife intimacy, not the hormonally driven, bunny-rabbit-readiness of adolescence.
The Human Sexual Response Cycle: Desire, Excitement, and Orgasm
Desire
The effect of age on sexual desire is highly variable in both sexes. In some individuals, there is little change with the passage of time, while others appear to lose their sex drive entirely. For healthy individuals of both sexes in their forties and fifties, desire is instantaneous upon seeing a “hot” body, often considerably younger. This often leads to the production of stimulating, very self-centered fantasies. In polite society, we refer to this phenomenon by referring to such individuals as “cougars” and “dirty old men.”
The production of testosterone in both sexes is a major biological factor in maintaining sexual desire. Most women produce enough adrenal sexual hormones (the adrenal glands produce male and female hormones in both sexes) after menopause to retain their interest in sex. Before menopause, that function is performed by the ovaries. In males, there is no abrupt drop in testosterone levels in midlife similar to the estrogen loss females experience at menopause. The hormonal basis for male sexual desire remains intact, but psychological factors can produce a loss of desire that resembles aspects of the female climacteric.
Excitement
END OF EXCERPT. ORDER COMPLETE BOOK BELOW
Sex After Forty: The Best You Ever Had!
Copyright © 2011 by Calvin A. Colarusso, M.D.
All rights reserved.
True Nature Productions
ISBN: 978-0-9839802-1-6
Table of Contents
Introduction
Developmental Considerations
Crossing the Rubicon: Maintaining Intimacy in Midlife
Sex and Aging: Good News!
Age and Gender Related Variables
The Human Sexual Response Cycle: Desire, Excitement, and Orgasm
Desire
Excitement
Coping with the “Big I”
Orgasm
Problematic Adaptations
Healthy Adaptations
This Is As Good As It Gets
If You Would Like to Know More
About the Author
Introduction
I know what you’re thinking. Sex after forty, the best you ever had—either this guy is on something or he doesn’t know much about sex. Humor me, will you. Read on. You can always stick to your initial opinion, but the information in this book might change your mind.
Many misinformed skeptics believe that the quest for sexual intimacy after 40 is an exercise in futility. One guy in his mid-forties lamented, “My body has changed so much since I was twenty. And it’s going downhill every day. What do I have to look forward to?” Obviously, I think the answer to that question can be “Plenty! The best sex you ever had—if the biology and psychology of the middle years are understood.”
And I even thought this before Viagra was available.
My definition of intimacy isn’t grandiose either. I define intimacy as the ability to care for the partner at least as much as the self, some of the time. No impossible or unrealistic expectation there. Does that sound like you? How do you like having equal billing with your partner? Of course, sex definitely occurs without intimacy, and intimacy can occur without sex.
In this book, my focus is on developing the ability to fuse the two frequently, in the face of what may appear to be daunting midlife obstacles.
Developmental Considerations
We’re not born with the capacity for sexual intimacy. It emerges out of adolescent and young adult sexual experience. Although adolescents sometimes care about their partners, gals do more than guys. (Sorry, guys. But we are different and not always in a good way.)
Most adolescents have a pressing need to gain sexual experience, to learn how to use their body as a sexual instrument with others. One sixteen year old girl was determined to begin experimenting sexually. She set her sights on a handsome high school senior. Unrestrained by badly needed parental prohibitions, she succeeded in getting his attention, but was surprised and disappointed when she discovered that he was a virgin too and more anxious than she was. Not much to learn there. But she did go on to find a number of guys to educate her.
Eventually, after a few rather pathetic performances, which not everyone will admit to, the initial stage of bumbling through is over. But, even then, driven by the relentless demon of youthful biology, conquests, rather than caring sex, continue to be a prime directive well into the twenties. As one twenty-two year old put it, “My dick’s got a life of its own. It takes no prisoners. Line ‘em up! Knock ‘em down! Then on to the next!”
Now, while you’re taking stock of your own experiences and trying to prove to yourself, and me, that I’m wrong, why not be complete honest? I’m talking to you women, too. Come on. Confess that the desire for self-centered, your-partner-is-a-piece-of-meat kind of sex never completely goes away.
I do realize that the capacity for genuine intimacy is apparent in some high-functioning individuals in the late teens and early twenties, but it doesn’t become a sustainable capacity until well into the twenties or later. As casual sex becomes nothing new and increasingly emotionally empty, the need for emotional involvement with a partner that you love or at least care about grows and begins to become a priority.
“If I let myself go to bed with one more man who doesn’t really care about me, I’ll scream,” said twenty-four-year-old Rhonda. “I feel so alone inside. I want someone to love me.”
Slowly, but surely, the emptiness of one more “my place or yours” and the desire for a solid, sustaining relationship grows and pushes men and women toward commitment.
Now don’t get upset, I’m going to show you that commitment is good for you.
As a result of a rare, fifty-plus-year longitudinal study of male development, Harvard psychiatrist George Vaillant concluded that “There is probably no single longitudinal variable that predicted mental health as clearly as a man’s capacity to remain happily married over time.”
I can hear the moans out there.
Another famous psychiatrist, Erik Erikson, read the palms of those who did not develop a capacity for intimacy in their twenties and thirties and saw a midlife reeking with the smell of the curdled cream of self-absorption and isolation.
Marriage, that often reviled and frivolously regarded institution, is the best decision to promote development that most young adults can make. Within its supercharged confines, slowly but surely, like the day-long simmering of a homemade pasta sauce, the rawness of youth is transformed into the savory smoothness of adulthood. Profound mental and emotional changes occur. As the partners dare to share and experience together their innermost sexual desires, their fantasies expand to incorporate the sensuousness of the other.
Thirty-year-old Jane had only experienced sex in the missionary position before she married Brad. He was less inhibited than she was and introduced masturbation on the freeway. (Not the safest thing to do, but it does happen!) and quickies on the living room floor. As she became more comfortable with her own fantasies and gradually shed her inhibitions, Jane began to take the lead. No Plain Jane anymore, she surprised Brad with a suggestive call from a motel room known for its vibrating beds and x-rated films.
As the years go by, each partner is increasingly identified with the other. Together, they look back on the wake of an ever-lengthening shared past and they work for and anticipate an enmeshed future. As they playfully possess each other’s bodies and produce children, the deeply ingrained infantile ignorance about the opposite sex is slowly replaced by the awesome adult acceptance of the equal and complementary nature of ying and yang, of the male and female genitalia.
Crossing the Rubicon: Maintaining Intimacy in Midlife
As forty approaches, a new set of developmental challenges, full of potential and promise, as well as apprehension and anxiety, begin to dominate relationships between the sexes.
Whereas young adults are preoccupied with developing the capacity for sustained intimacy, individuals on the fringe of forty are struggling with the ability to maintain intimacy in the face of powerful physical, psychological and environmental distractions. These include changes in the body due to aging and psychological unavailability because of preoccupation with the realistic demands of work, children and elderly parents.
“You ought to lose some weight” he said.
“I will if you will,” she said.
“It takes you so long to get turned on,” he said.
“I wouldn’t talk if I were you, Mr. Viagra,” she said.
“Let’s go away for a weekend. We never have any time to ourselves,” she said.
“I’ve got to work,” he said.
“You’re always working,” she said.
“Janet goes to college next year,” he said.
“Come to bed now. We’ve got some time now,” he said.
“I have to call my mother,” she said.
“You always call your mother,” he said.
“She’s old and alone,” she said.
In newer relationships, issues unique to second beginnings that interfere with closeness abound. They include the absence of a history together, the absence of old friends in common, age and generational differences between the partners and the problems of constituting a blended family.
“Your friends don’t like me,” she said.
“How could they, you hardly talk to them,” he said.
“I want a baby,” she said.
“I’ve already done that,” he said. “Besides you brought two of them with you.”
“But not with me,” she said.
“Your son is knocking at the door again,” he said. “He seems to know when we’re having sex and he doesn’t like it.”
I know what you’re thinking. I said that these were the best years of your life, didn’t I? And you’re moaning to yourself, “If this is a description of how great things are as I get older, the hell with it! Just give me some casual sex, and I’ll pass on the rest.”
Well, read on. The key to maintaining sexual and emotional intimacy in midlife is knowledge of the normal changes in sexual functioning after forty, the ability to communicate needs and desires and a sense of humor. After all, it’s only sex!
Sex and Aging: Good News!
“The loss of sexuality is not an inevitable aspect of aging,” says researcher Helen Singer Kaplan. In fact, the majority of healthy people remain sexually active on a regular basis until advanced old age. (Yes, even your mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa). But the subject must be approached a bit differently than at twenty, because the aging process does bring with it certain changes in the appearance of the body and the physiology of male and female sexual responsiveness.
Here’s more good news. We age from the outside in. In utero the outer, or ectodermal, layer of the embryo develops into skin, the sensory organs and nervous system. Since these organs are the first to age, plastic surgeons have a field day in our forties as women, and some men, rush to smooth out facial wrinkles, tuck tummies and shore up sagging bottoms.
In our fifties, it’s muscles, bones and connective tissue, products of the middle or mesodermal layer, which begin to give out, resulting in sore backs and heart attacks. But still cooking with gas, even if the packaging is a bit frayed, are the inner or endodermal functions of eating and sex, life’s two greatest pleasures.
In regard to sexual functioning, researchers across the decades from Kinsey to Masters and Johnson have arrived at the same happy conclusion: in the presence of good health, the majority of people remain sexually functional and active on a regular basis until virtually the end of life. Or, to be more specific, when they have partners, 70 percent of healthy seventy-year-olds remain sexually active and have sex at least once a week. If they don’t have partners, they always have themselves. Masturbation is a life long sexual activity. Even for those in their eighties and nineties.
Age and Gender Related Variables
“Vive la difference!” say the French. A good idea if the differences in sexual functioning bring pleasure, not pain. In actuality, I’m not sure the French care about the difference. However, the best way to insure that “la difference” continues to add spice to sex in midlife is to understand the changes in sexual functioning that normally occur with age and accept them in one’s self and one’s partner. And yes, again, I’m talking about both sexes. This developmental task is easier said than done because it involves accepting the partial loss of functions that are enormously important to self-esteem in adolescence and young adulthood.
Fulfillment in midlife, particularly sexual fulfillment, begins with accepting a constantly changing reality and ends with actions that are consistent with that reality. There are certain inevitable age-related changes in sexual physiology that affect men and women differently. According to Kaplan, male sexuality peaks sharply at around seventeen. Yes, that’s correct. Age seventeen. Come to think of it, seventeen is a long time ago when you’re fifty. But don’t despair. It could be worse. And I didn’t say that it was all good news.
After age seventeen, male sexuality gradually declines. The good news is that the decline is very gradual, with sexual function continuing into the eighties and nineties, and even beyond!
And here’s more good news. Women don’t reach their full sexual potential until their late thirties or early forties. Then they slow down to a lesser degree than men.
If that’s the case, why is it that most of my male patients and friends constantly grumble that they don’t get enough? Maybe they say that because they have trouble keeping up with their just-peaking wives and girl friends.
As disquieting as this information may be to the male ego, all is not lost. The best sex you will ever have is mature, midlife intimacy, not the hormonally driven, bunny-rabbit-readiness of adolescence.
The Human Sexual Response Cycle: Desire, Excitement, and Orgasm
Desire
The effect of age on sexual desire is highly variable in both sexes. In some individuals, there is little change with the passage of time, while others appear to lose their sex drive entirely. For healthy individuals of both sexes in their forties and fifties, desire is instantaneous upon seeing a “hot” body, often considerably younger. This often leads to the production of stimulating, very self-centered fantasies. In polite society, we refer to this phenomenon by referring to such individuals as “cougars” and “dirty old men.”
The production of testosterone in both sexes is a major biological factor in maintaining sexual desire. Most women produce enough adrenal sexual hormones (the adrenal glands produce male and female hormones in both sexes) after menopause to retain their interest in sex. Before menopause, that function is performed by the ovaries. In males, there is no abrupt drop in testosterone levels in midlife similar to the estrogen loss females experience at menopause. The hormonal basis for male sexual desire remains intact, but psychological factors can produce a loss of desire that resembles aspects of the female climacteric.
Excitement
END OF EXCERPT. ORDER COMPLETE BOOK BELOW